Nuge Loves Palin

Ted Nugent sends love letter, new book to VP candidate; halo of hearts and stars appears above his head.

By Randy Harward

Oh, Nuge. It’s so cute you have a crush on Republican VP candidate Sarah Palin. We all do, but for those of us on the reasonable side, it’s purely physical (but we’d feel dirty in the morning). We can see why you’d be drawn to her: She’s extreme! Just like you, she has a scorched earth/kill ‘em all, let (((((God))))) sort ‘em out policy. She’s an avid hunter and outdoorswoman, and a lifetime member of the NRA. She shares your narrow, stupid ideology. You couldn’t have found a better match on eHarmony.com. (Take that, Neil Clark Warren!)

Let’s see what you said in the love letter that accompanied the ostensibly signed, leather-bound first-edition of your book:

Dear Governor Palin,

Please accept this copy of my new book, "TED WHITE & BLUE-The Nugent Manifesto" for you and your family. As a proud fellow American hunter, fisherman and lover of Alaska's soul cleansing magnificent Spirit of the Wild, we who live our American Dream by God, truth, logic, goodwill and decency, thank you for bringing such defiant common sense and self evident truth back to the GOP and politics. We wish you Godspeed for the best hunting and fishing season of your life and pray to God almighty that you bring your bold spirit to the White House.

Godbless,

American BloodBrothers, Ted Nugent and family

You’re probably replaying her speech and putting a stranglehold on Uncle Ted, Jr. right now, imagining how great it would be to run naked through the Alaskan wild, then rut like beasts in the belly of a freshly slain… beast. Then, in the afterglow, you’ll read to her the sonnets collected in your self-referential, self-aggrandizing, hot-as-Courtney Love’s-morning-breath tome (that means “book”). And suddenly, you’re ready for another go. You know, after you ask her to plug your book at campaign stops.

Oh, and look at this: You’re already defending her honor against the dreaded Hollywood liberal Matt Damon. How cute! Go get her, Teddy.