The Blurt Guide to CD Ratings

Or, How Numerology Saved My Reputation as a Critic: "Too many superlatives, not enough truth."

By Bill Holmes

[Ed. note: Awhile back, official Blurt meta-critic Bill Holmes asked us why we assigned starred ratings (between 1 and 10; no fractions or half stars) to the CDs we review. While our kneejerk response ran along lines of, "Somebody eventually had to assign a one-star rating to John Mayer's last album...", in truth, we don't know! Everyone else does it, though, and Blurt is nothing if not all about following the crowd and never marching to a different drummer. At any rate, Holmes spent the past month pouring over our reviews (at last count, we'd published 1,449 since June of 2008), running percentages, creating spread sheets, parsing mixed metaphors and simplistic similes, and generally laughing himself silly, in order to come up with a coherent guide to our ratings. You, dear readers, can now know what we REALLY think when you spot a review on the site or in the magazine without every bothering to read the actual review! Take it away, Brother Holmes...]

10 - An essential classic that will transcend its era. Think BLONDE ON BLONDE or STICKY FINGERS. You'd get in a bar fight to defend your rating years later. (Would you really do that to defend that 10 you gave No Doubt?). You consider getting a tattoo of the album title on your bicep.

09 - Possibly the apex of an artist's career (assuming the artist is great - Kenny G's best album could be a 3) and a no-brainer purchase for fanatics of the genre. Lands on your Best of the Year list without hesitation.

08 - Among the best of the artist/genre; you'd definitely refer to this album when trying to convince someone to give the artist a shot.

07 - Not perfect, but the good outweighs the bad. You wish it were better but there are enough enjoyable elements to spend your money and feel rewarded.

06 - Enjoyable for fans of the genre, but average for others. Not going to convert the skeptical but a fan will be glad you made them aware of it.

05 - Average, some good but not most. You keep it but probably only play it when you come across it in the stack. You won't look for it on purpose that often.

04 - Momentary pleasures, won't last - not bad but not memorable. Gathers dust.

03 - Bland, dull, nondescript. You'd sell it if you could only find a sucker.

02 - Real problems, poor effort, lazy release. You are pissed that you spent the money and/or wasted your time and you make a point to tell everyone it sucks.

01 - Horrible. Embarrassing. Vapid. Hire a lawyer and sue the artist for damages.

[I hate assigning numerical value to art, but rules are rules; after having to do so for several publications I think this is a good overall barometer even though I still screw it up on occasion. - BH]