RELAXED FIT WAX
Feb 01, 2011
Everybody wants their own singles series: here, have ours.
BY RANDY HARWARD
Corporations know if you wanna reach the kiddies you have to speak their language. That's why you see branded "custom" music mags in shoe stores and an element of impotent mainstream hip-hop in every cartoon or commercial. Alas, moneymakers are always quick to embrace bullshit and perennially late to everything truly cool, yet some of them have enough young upstart veeps in the boardroom now that indie rock is getting its chance in the rock n' roll commoditization sweeps.
Recently Levi's unveiled Levi's Pioneer Sessions, a series of 7" singles where a safe mixture of credible artists (The Shins, The Roots, Dirty Projectors) with bullshit (Nas, Colbie Caillat, Jason Mraz) cover songs by Squeeze, Candi Staton, Bob Dylan, Blondie, Slick Rick and more! Despite the 50-50 safe-to-cool ‘nuff roster, it's a cool concept what with the A-side featuring the tribute and the B-side the original-and almost all of the tunes are obvious choices. Whatever happened to corporate meddling? Shouldn't they have Justin Bieber reaching into the Wayback Machine for a lost Mraz nugget? What is this world coming to?
Apparently the only salient self-query with respect to buying/not buying the Levi's singles is, "Do these jams make my ass look phat?" If the answer is yes, maybe you should buy some jeans. In that spirit, BLURT would like to offer would-be corporate marketers some would-be marketing ideas. No purchase necessary.
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General Mills' "So-Real Cereal Pre-Me-Yums 7" Series"
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Titles: "Lucky Charms (They're Always After Me)" - Daniel Johnston / "I Pissed In Your Cheerios (Remember the Alamo!)" - Ozzy Osbourne / "Trix Are For Publicity" - Lady GaGa
Type of wax: Marbled flexi-discs made to resemble swirled Trix or Lucky Charms marshmallows.
Taco Bell's "Fourth Meal Music Deal"
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Titles: "Beans, Beans Musical Fruit" - The Gossip / "Of Up and Coming Volcano Tacos" - David Bazan / "No Purch-azz Nuhzuhzurry" - Ja Rule / "I and Fart and Ed" - Avett Brothers
Type of wax: Tortilla-shaped, off-white with brown spots. Limited editions deep-fried and dusted with cinnamon sugar.
"The Home Depot Music Project"
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Titles: "Do It Your Fuckin' Self" - Sex Pistols / "He Bashes the Thumb" - Stone Roses / "(If It Ain't Fixed) You Can Probably Still Break It" - Hank III / "Up In ‘Dem Gutters" - Zach Galifianakis
Type of wax: Melamine slip-cover, drywall putty disc.
Wham-O's "Fly Discs and Fris-B-Sides"
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Titles: "Anhyzer Busch" - Bad Wizard / "That Dude Snagged the ‘Bee!" - Sublime with Rome / "Little Help?" - Death Cab for Cutie / "People Who Play Frisbee Golf Are Dicks" - Wilco
Type of wax: Glow-in-the dark, flying vinyl-so if it sucks, you can toss it on the roof.
IKEA'S "Sömethïng Swëdïsh Thïs Wäy Cömës"
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Titles: "If I Can't Get This Fucking Thing Together, Neither C'n You (Twät)" - Andy Partridge / "Slot A Into Slut B" - Melvins / "Post-Post-Modern (((Functionality)))" - Paul Oakenfold
Type of wax: Incomprehensible picture discs.
Whole Foods: "Hummus A Tune"
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Titles: "Regular, Regular" - Señor Coconut / "Tofu Valkyrie" - The Sword / "Tastes Like Bark" - Dr. Dog / "Natural Nachos" - Jack Johnson
Type of wax: Organic, no-preservatives, limited-edition has short shelf life and is may be riddled with insects.
Wal-Mart
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Titles: "Compulsory Jingle #1" - Miley Cyrus / "Compulsory Jingle #2" - Jonas Brothers / "Compulsory Jingle #3" - Justin Bieber / "Compulsory Jingle #4" - Eagles
Type of wax: Black smiley face on cheap yellow wax.
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