FAKE CD REVIEWS Mike Birbiglia
Aug 11, 2008
Don’t listen, be happy: reviews of albums to which I have not listened…
BY MIKE BIRBIGLIA
BLURT knows better than anyone how the music press is evolving — see: Black Crowes; Maxim mag; fake review of Warpaint; journalist David Peisner — so in an effort to keep up with the big boys, we’re gonna try doing some of our reviews live without a net—or actual music. Here to help out is comedian, fellow music geek and Olive Garden Italian Mike Birbiglia, whose penetrating insights pierce even the fabric of time.
ZZ TOP – Eliminator (Collector’s Edition) (Rhino) – Eliminator follows on the heels of ZZ’s multi-platinum album, Citation for Excessive Motorcycle Noise. Written to be played at 2,000 decibels, Citation is blamed for causing deafness in hundreds of motorcycle gang members and horniness in dozens of biker chicks. On Eliminator, the boys have chosen to go in the same direction. Eliminating harmony, lyrics, and musical instruments altogether, they just brought their motorcycles into the recording studio and revved their engines for 53 minutes of bliss. FOUR STARS
COOLIO - Steal Here (Super Cool) – The title of Coolio’s latest release wastes no time in telling us that Coolio is “still here” and he’s “still stealing.” With the album title, Coolio makes a conscious effort not to break down racial stereotypes and prejudices people hold of hip hop artists, but to strengthen them. Fortunately, he redeems himself on track 6, with “White People Steal Also.” You got that right, Coolio. FOUR STARS
NELLY – Brass Knuckles (Universal) – A quick listen to Nelly’s new album reveals that Nelly may be trying to reprise some of his classics. On “Still Hot in Here,” Nelly sings in the perfect passive tense, “It’s still hot in here, so I’m glad you’ve taken your clothes off.” On the track “The Other Nelly,” Nelly reveals that he’s hung up on his identity, rapping, “No, you’re thinking of Nelly Furtado, I’d like a Donut Chocolado.” Donut Chocolado indeed. THREE STARS
ALANIS MORISSETTE - Flavors of Entanglement (Maverick/WBR) – On Flavors, Alanis Morissette resumes yelling where she left off last time. No subject is left unscathed; she spews vitriol towards Dave Coulier, the green slime from You Can’t Do That on Television, The Wiggles, people who use the EZ-Pass lane but don’t have the EZ-Pass, and those grocery stores that insist that you carry their savings card on your keychain to get their best in-store savings. On the title track Alanis fantasizes about doing it with those guys dressed as fruit in the Fruit of the Loom commercials. Scrumptious! FOUR STARS
MATES OF STATE – Re-Arrange Us (Barsuk) – This album is particularly difficult for me to review, not only because I haven’t heard it, but because I am MySpace friends with this band. You could say that I am now My-mates with the Mates of State. If this album is anything like their other albums, it’s mind blowing and spews awesome-fire. A CONSTELLATION OF STARS
[Mike Birbiglia’s DVD, What I Should Have Said Was Nothing (Shout! Factory), and CD, My Secret Public Journal Live (Comedy Central Records), are out now. We have not listened to the latter, but trust us, it’s mind blowing!]
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