BLURT PRESENTS THE GOODS: Christmas Gift Card ‘n’ Exchange Guide, 2011 Edition
Dec 20, 2011
Forget the holiday gift and product guides - we've got some ideas for exchange items and gift card pick-ups. You can thank us later...
BY RANDY HARWARD
‘Tis better to give than to receive, yeah. But if we're bein' honest here? Loot kicks booty. Everybody likes to re-up their worldly possessions, and there's nothing like getting lost in brand-new somethings to make you forget the stress of maxing out the credit cards on behalf of everybody else.
You know what's even better? When you wind up with a cache of unwanted Christmas gifts, gift cards and card-ensconced granny bucks that's just blazin' a hole in your pocket! That's what BLURT's here to bend your ear about. Forget holiday gift guides: Here's a pile of ideas on how to parlay the unwanteds, plasti-cash and crisp two-dollar bills into an onanistic orgy of materialism-and, again with the honesty: flat-out ignorance of the current economic clime.
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Shoot First
Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 ($59.99)
Rage ($59.99)
Although you might call most of us liberal commies who'd rather die complaining than fighting - well, we like to shoot stuff as much as the next gun nut. So long as it's someone deserving, a harmless stack of watermarked promotional CDs, or graphically rendered enemy soldiers and mutants. And you get to shoot a bunch of the latter in these two games, which are already big sellers.
Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 is essentially more of what you've come to dig in a war shooter: solid, intuitive controls, huge local and online multiplayer activity - amounting to crazy replay value. New to this iteration, though, are strike packages that enhance customization and the Call of Duty Elite Service. The latter is available in free and subscription versions, with both allowing stat tracking, and the sub providing analysis and improvement tools. If you're obsessed with being king of the hill, it's worth the extra fifty bucks.
Rage is a wasteland shooter from id Software, developers of Doom and Quake. It combines the best shooting elements of Borderlands, Fallout 3 and Fallout: New Vegas - with some Blur/Dirt racing (combat and non-) thrown in. This makes for one giddy gamer, as the adrenaline stays in the red on each mission and race - until the craptastic abrupt and anti-climactic end, that is. It was a complete pisser, actually. But we're already on a second playthrough - and the racing, which is so prominent in the actual campaign, is so fun we keep going back for more. And, like CoD: MW3, the multiplayer racing means big replay value. (Both games reviewed on Xbox 360).
Winter of Our Bonus Content
Jimi Hendrix Experience Winterland set ($40 on Amazon)
(Experience Hendrix/Legacy) www.jimihendrix.com
Sometimes it feels like they're milking the Hendrix archives - except that instead of warmed over crap tracks, most of the releases are pretty sweet. This baby here is one of the best, ever. Recorded just before Electric Ladyland, it includes three CDs and one DVD covering three days in October 1968 and only about 19 songs. The shows - and the individual performances vary so much, though, that it's an immensely satisfying listen. If you're a big Hendrix fan, you'll be more than pleased. If you're a casual fan, you'll be chugging the Kool-Aid after you hear this. By the way, mind the bonus interview - hearing Jimi speak is like hearing the voice of God. (Price refers to the Amazon edition which features an extra disc. An 8-LP edition is available for about 70 bucks.)
Et Tu, Fruit Brute?
Funko Blox General Mills Monster Cereal figures ($20)
Saturday morning was an important part of Blurt's childhood - it shaped our pop-culture obsession, and we're forever grateful. And although we harbor a deep and abiding distaste for marketing to children, the commercials were often as fun as the cartoons. Case in point: the General Mills Monster Cereals ads. If you didn't love Boo Berry, Franken Berry and Count Chocula, you're probably one of those kids whose parents banned TV and sugar cereals. Sucks to be you. Anyway, for the geeky overgrown children who did connect with those adorable abominations, you can pick up these vinyl blox figures for your collection of unopened toys. These, thick, seven-inch vinyl dolls will stand tall in your cubicle and remind you of the good ol' days. And probably reactivate your ire about the criminally overlooked Fruit Brute and Yummy Mummy brands.
Go the F**k to Sleep
Breathe Owl Breathe children's book: The Listeners/These Train Tracks ($30)
Thirty bucks for a children's book? It better be good, and this one is. Breathe Owl Breathe frontguy Micah Middaugh wrote, illustrated, carved and printed this super-cute kids' book, which features back-to-back stories and a 70-gram seven-inch single featuring a song for each of the two stories. You'll want to keep the platter out of your young'uns' reach - they just don't know how to handle vinyl - but you'll be hard pressed to find a more rewarding bedtime experience than playing Middaugh's gorgeous songs as a supplement to his simple, charming tales.
Tusk Bräu
Mastodon Beer Stein ($65)
No chance you've ever seen a beer stein shaped like a tusk unless maybe you're a recently thawed caveman or maybe a Rwandan murder junkie - it has to be the product of these loud-as-hell metal gods, Mastodon. You know you want one, though. So does Blurt - we're so sick of the metallic taste of PBR cans. Sadly, it holds only 0.35 liters or hops nectar... so you better get two.
Are We Not Jocko Homo?
Devo Energy Dome ($32)
Next Halloween - or, fuck it, this New Year's - you can dress like Devo and drink like Mastodon! You may recognize the upside-down flowerpots from Devo shows or videos ("Whip It"), and of course you covet this go-anywhere headwear. Now you can get your own in either hot red or cool blue.
Stick It
Screen Candy ($4)
Sooner or later, no matter how many apps you download - or how many times you rearrange the icons, your smartphone's home screen is gonna lose its pop. Soon, instead of pretty colors and cool little pictures, all you'll see is dandruff and facial oils. Screen Candy adds another level of customization so you can add "affinity designs, brands, and licensed artwork" that, since they're printed on "special non-damaging, removable, reusable, static cling material," can be changed any time. Each package contains five penny-sized stickers, usually tied together by a theme like "Hawaiian Sunset" or "Surf Shacka."
Follow Your Lead
Buckle-Down Dog Collars and Leads ($20-30)
Your dog doesn't need a sweater, a little leather jacket, or a saddle. And stop putting those heavy chains on his neck so he looks as much like a douche as you. All he should be wearing is a big doggy smile and a collar - that's one of the perks of being an animal. If you're still bent on forcing your sense of style on the poor guy, get him a Buckle-Down collar and lead. They come in a variety of cool designs including tattoo art (the pirate model "Dead Men Tell No Tales") and Vegas symbols ("Lucky Red"). You can also pretend he cares as much about Ford Mustangs as you do, or make him look like a sissy with flowers and stuff. If function is a concern, and it oughta be, know that B-D collars and leads are well-made from the same material used in automotive seatbelts - right down to the kickass little buckles.
Purse Your Lips
Bamboo Saxophone ($89-199)
Blues Flute ($30)
At South By Southwest 2011's instrument and gear trade show, BLURT could hear someone playing a saxophone amid all the guitar-centric booths - and it turned out to be one of these little guys. John Boyle was wailing away on one of these deceptively small units and it sounded damn nigh like the real thing. We had to try it out, maybe on some choice Foreigner covers. Well, it took a while for sax neophytes like us to get anything close to a real sound out of it, but the missus - an experienced sax player, made it sing just like Boyle. But she wouldn't jam some Foreigner. (Available in alto and tenor.)
Goin' Up The Country
Waylon Jennings: Live at the US Festival 1983 ($17)
Willie Nelson: Live at the US Festival 1983 ($17)
(Shout! Factory) www.shoutfactory.com
This one doesn't really need much talkin' up if you're into Waylon and Willie. And although you might've told your wife or your mom you really wanted them, they probably just don't understand your obsession with these two hairy outlaws and their twangy music that doesn't sound anything like Johnny Mathis or the Black-Eyed Peas. That's what gift cards are for, though. Not to mention exchanges. If you pick them up together on Amazon, you'll save about eight bucks which oughta be enough to buy a cheap bottle of Jim Beam to go with a lonely late-night doubleheader from two of country's greats. There are 45 songs between these career-spanning - up ‘til '83, natch - concerts from June 4 of that year. That's when the Dukes of Hazzard was still pretty new, too, so when Waylon whips that one out, it's extra crowd-pleasin'.
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Randy Harward is Senior Editor of BLURT. Check out his blog at Blurt-online.com as well as his regular installment of "The Goods" in the print magazine.
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