LOOK AT LIFE / COCO HAMES

Hot Time, Summer in the City

By Coco Hames

No sooner did my old friend, the sun, and I start spending time together again, did a man come and taketh away from our times. There is a swimming hole on the Harpeth River where I, the Ettes, our friends, and all the other teenagers go (with dogs) and swim and frolic about. It is HOT in Nashville in the summer, and swimmin' holes (and ca-brewing trips) are necessary to not pack up and leave due to sweltering heat, terrible tourist traffic, general relentless bugginess (not even counting the cicadas, but that was intense) and just straight up boredom. That is why the Lord gave us swimmin' holes. And now this guy done come took it away!

Thing is, like all good things, it was not to last, our absolute rule of that swimmin' hole. Absolute rule corrupts absolutely. I think maybe some people got sloppy. Maybe some people got noisy. Maybe some people left too many beer cans and garbage behind. Either way, we blew it. We blew it, guys. Next thing I know, there are less kids around than there used to be, and way more "NO TRESPASSING" and "PRIVATE PROPERTY" signs stapled all over the 20+ trees that line the entrance to the river.

So yesterday we're down there, and this very unfriendly man came down hollering at us, sassing us "I guess y'all can't read too good" (which... I just, you know) so we said we could read, but we just didn't think those signs meant US. He said this was no longer a hangin'-out spot. I said, well, it is whenever I want it to be (you don't own the river) and I gots two other BETTER swimmin' spots anyway. Then I gave him THE FINGER. No, I didn't. But I did say one sign explaining why this was no longer a public spot (dated, to be more effective) would work better than redneck-reiteration of all the signs. I was like, because that doesn't work. See? Then I flicked my cigarette into his eye, told him to get off my dick, aaaand had my dogs attack him.

This sort of thing has happened before, at what happened to be my favorite spot on the Horsepasture River in western North Carolina. There was a small bridge, where I used to go with my guitar, and no one was around. Just downstream from that spot were three small graded waterfalls, one with a (VERY) deep diving hole. It was so beautiful. And then one summer, some bachillionaire built a massive mansion lording over the whole of the riverfront, the whole of that area. Yes, it was my special place, but I shared it, with families, and other kids, and animals, and everyone. It belonged to everyone. Now -- it was implied -- it belonged to him.

I remember going down there once with my sisters and our dogs, and him standing out on his massive porch (this has to be like 500 meters away, anyway) and just staring at us and scowling (you can read a scowl from 500 meters) and then, eventually, yelling at us to get off "his" land. As someone with inherent bullying tendencies (which I do TRY to control) I know a real tough guy when I see one. And then I know a wussy rich guy with daddy issues who bullies simply with money. Which is pathetic. And I can take them ANY time. Money bully-ers? Pssh. Not a problem. Try it. I know about property limit laws; just because you can intimidate some people with the size of your house (ahem) you can't last forever with that schtick, and you certainly cannot outlast me. Fuck that guy, and mark my words: I will have my revenge.

So I of course encourage all of you within a day's drive to Nashville, Tennessee to come on down to THIS guy's so-called "private property" (the proximity to his purchased land notwithstanding, it happens to be a proper public input to the Harpeth River, fact) at any hour and have a good time! Swim it up! Bring beer! Bring your dogs! Make-out! Blast "Sweet Home Alabama"! That's what we do! And this guy likes it sooooo muuuch, just imagine how much happier you'll make him if we do it with MORE people! SUMMER TIMEZ!! Go here: old natchez trace nashville, tn Just follow the signs!

We'll keep you posted here on our special summer excursions as we tour the country in August for what has already been, without rival, the BEST SUMMER OF OUR LIVES. I've already got our Asheville excursion planned, ROB. If you've got things we absolutely must see in your town on this tour, let us know. We love an adventure. It's kind of our thing?

Can't wait to see y'all out on the road! Bringin' the rock and roll from Nashville with Heavy Cream and Hans Condor, y'all get ready, now...

Coco

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Blurt "co-co-editor" and advice columnist Coco Hames fronts The Ettes - Hames on guitar, Jem Cohen on bass and Poni Silver on drums. Their new album Wicked Will arrives in stores August 2. Check ‘em out at their official website and their Facebook page.