Stop the World I Want to Get Off

Excerpt from the  Book, " The Porky from New Yorky ‘s Guide to Weight Loss and Positive Mental Health"


The Porkys comfort meal:

1.    A Box of Generic Brand Flakes
2.    A carton of skim milk
3.    A nice size bowl
4.    a spoon and a comfortable chair


on the Porkys stereo:

1.    "We Used to Know" Jethro Tull
2.    "It Must have Happened" Mary Chapin Carpenter
3.    "Next" Scott Walker
4.    "The Young Ones" Viv Stanshall


I have always considered myself to be relatively hip and up on most new things in life starting with music. In fact I am reasonably sure that I have always been at the beginning of all musical curves starting from 1964-1982. By the time 1981/2 came around I realized that the next curve was a kind of punk hardcore musical style-which I could not at all relate to. It is at times like these that a Porky has to cut his losses and fold. So I surrendered my place at the cutting edge table and took a sideways turn embroiling myself into further archeological digs hoping to find something else to guide me-to give me sustenance to take me to that Promised Land. Naturally the arrogance and elitism that a Porky feels on such a journey must be recognized and kept at bay-which if successful allows him to discover the musical nectar of the Gods. I found myself gravitating to Instrumentals-Greek bouzouki music/Iranian Raks-song chanteneuses (sp?) like Nana Mouskouri/Fay Lovsky & Francois Hardy. I fell in love with their music and as such with them-imagining our lives together-had they wanted me. My lighter and more positive side took me on a flight of fancy sampling the sounds of Viv Stanshall/Scott Walker/Bunk Dogger and perhaps my all time Favorite the Shadows featuring Guitar God Hank Marvin. I can tell you whenever I need inspiration-the powerful emotional guitar in "Wonderful land" awakens the spirit. Try it-it's a top drawer Porky Recommendation.  But I digress-this is not what I meant to talk about in this chapter.

As we are 10 years into a new century-we are at the crossroads of a wild west of technology. I have to admit that while I have tried to keep up-I am like the college kid who keeps dropping classes after the first test. I tried with the best intentions only to be confused, befuddled, out maneuvered and left in the dust. Cassettes were easy-enjoyable and fun. Stereo became a question of educating oneself about the newest and best sounding equipment. Laser discs-should have been the first clue that technology and greed had made their dirty deal and there was no stopping from this moment on. Video cassette recorders fueled the greed as this technology became very successful and profitable. The fly in the ointment (in more ways than one) here was that Video Recorders brought pornography to the confined private space of your  bedroom-a godsend to the millions (billions) of chronic masturbators the world over. The greatest achievement of the 20th century---take a guess---WAS...WAS.... FAST FORWARD!!!-and you think you know what David Bowie's CH CH CH CHANGES WAS ABOUT! Anyone could do it-and this friendly technology gave Porkys and all people of minimal confidence the inspiration to master the basic VCR programming technology. Yes you too could be successful. This brilliant technology set the groundwork for what many probably consider the Model T of 20th century technology: and that is of course, the home computer.

I have to say I was at the forefront of this revolution when in 1982 I spent $5000 on a Radio Shack TRS-80 Model 3 and a 3 ton printer. I remember the night I bought it-It was the day in January 1982 when air Florida flight 90 crashed into the 14th street Bridge over the Potomac River-I should have known --not a good omen for this Porky and his personal relationship with technology. I learned some basic word processing/database applications which simplified a few necessary tasks in my business. As time went on I upgraded to newer and more powerful machines hoping I could progress with them- but alas, I never seemed to get past the basic concept of simple word processing. Like millions of others (or was it just me?)  I felt mastering the computer was like selling fire water to the Indians-the result was not what I expected. But just as the collective millions were ready to give up (or was it just me?)in comes the internet.

Now what does that mean-does that satisfy man's search for meaning? Not really. But it does dangle that perennial carrot of Pornography in front of us-(as well as a new term paper service) and with that a whole new world. Things are starting to go very fast now-monetary greed is the engine driving our economy and it is faster than a speeding bullet. Communication/new high tech product and the means of delivery seem to be the guardians at the gate. By the time the year 2009 rolls around there is a whole new means of non-verbal communication. Cell phones are abundant-camera phones/video games-gaming/phone apps/ipods/hand held's/gps's/Google/zappos shoe-frank zappos shoes?/DVD's/Blue Ray/digital camera/skyping/bit torrent/streaming/downloading/blue tooth/blackberry/amazon-ebay/cloud computing-help-stop the madness-help me susan powter-- I am still trying to figure out how to work the DVR-caller ID as a concept still  blows me away-help I'm a rock-a retarded rock ...ARGGGGG.

Calm down, take a deep breath -center yourself Porky. I am reminded of a movie that came out in the 60's,"Stop the World I Want to Get Off." And so I have. It hasn't stopped me though from using Priceline on occasion. To say I have a difficult relationship with technology is an understatement. I can say at least I have tried most of the new technologies. I signed up for a "Facebook" account because it seemed like an interesting idea and way to communicate. I immediately though, had some problems with the friending concept. Literally the first day I joined I got a request from an old school chum-or so he says-and greeted me with hey Steve it's Bill...do you remember that day in 6th grade we had the circle jerk at Jims house...great to hear from you let's stay in touch-but don't touch to much-ha ha LOL!!. The second day I got an angry friend request from Susan W..... I can forgive you now but when you refused to go the  7th grade Sadie Hawkins dance with me you broke my heart and destroyed my confidence-you piece of shit-I wanted to say that for 40 years-it's so good to get it off my chest, by the way  how are you??? On the third day I got a friend request from Doug J-hey Steve-remember me-how could you forget!! When your team came to play us in Karachi-I struck you out each time you went to bat and that last at bat when you had the chance to tie the score- well, you were pathetic-I'll never forget the look on your face-but hey that was 40 years ago- can we be friends-I promise I won't remind you about it that often!!. Goodbye Facebook - -I ended up closing my account the next day-Social networking -bullshit-Facebook is a secret code for getting mind fucked.  Who needs 500 friends it's hard to enough to keep 5 happy.


And what's with this new form of communication texting and IM'ing. Only last week I was taking my mother to lunch at Panera's.  In the booth next to us-I could see two college kids sitting across from each other-- faces partially hidden by the protective shield of 2 laptops facing each other down. Now I don't see myself as a busybody but I couldn't help but notice that they were talking to each other via IM. What the fuck??? They were fourteen inches face to face away from each other and they were typing on their keyboards. Was verbal communication  on the "out list" this year? Unless my 56 year old mind is failing me what happened to the awe and passion  of 18 year old hormones out of control- perception hopes aspirations of looking into the eyes of your potential mate - On the other hand this new form of communication would partially hide a multitude of sins-- drooling/acne/ loose boogers/food in the teeth-flying saliva-bad choice of words etcc. Wait, WORDS-the magic of communication. I was so befuddled--I later discussed this scenario with my spiritual advisor Dr. Joseph Sasfy-the most brilliant man I have ever known-and a man who has advised Ahmet Ertegun/Clive Davis/Walter Yetnikoff/Phil Spector/Lt. Garcia/Ronald Reagan/Professor Irwin Corey/Jenna Jamison/the legendary stardust cowboy & Butch Willis. Dr Sasfy I asked, "why are they not talking to each other, after a long stare, the great doctor spoke."Have you forgotten the words of the prophet," People talking without speaking, people hearing without listening," & he was gone.
The final straw for me was Passwords. The last time I had use for a password was in 1966 while playing Kick the can at Tony Oresteen's house-"who goes there"?  "Mr. Vagina", I yelled back, "Welcome Mr.Vagina --you may pass". There it was that was the answer I was looking for. If I had to memorize passwords for my bank/my work/ebay/amazon/my healthcare plan/my car insurance/my house insurance/my home equity line/my internet provider etc..How could I possibly remember all those words-I considered a wristband-similar to those worn by people with obscure diseases-a piece of paper in my wallet-supposed I was pick pocketed. No it was obvious I had to memorize my passwords. I went back to my joy of language. It was in third grade with my friends John Studebaker/Tommy Creed/Raymond Gangarosa that we all took such pleasure in saying the words Vagina/fucking/pussy and even sometimes Penis. Nothing made us happier than to yell these words a top of our lungs. Later that year Raymond Gangarosa signed my 4th grade yearbook-good luck at fucking and pushups."  And so it became that all my passwords were Pussy75/vagina pussy and certain other variations-I don't want to give away all my passwords but you get the picture. However as much as I loved my passwords it didn't stop me from forgetting them. One particularly painful situation comes to mind. I was trying to get into my Sandy Spring account to transfer some money for my son's college tuition. I forgot the password and after trying to retrieve it on line- I finally had to call the help desk of the bank. After going thru the: Push one if you want  to.... Push two if you want..Till I finally got a live person. Hello what can I help you with today?"  Well I forgot my password. "Okay can you give me your account number?", " Well no I am not at home I am at work and"..."Okay can you give me the name on the account?" "Yes it should be under Steven.. Or maybe my business name". ".I am sorry sir, I cannot find it under those names-tell me do you remember any part of your password?" "Well I do, but is it really necessary-it's got to be under my last name or..." "Sorry sir I checked them all if you give me what you do remember of your password I can cross-reference it against your account." " Well ok it's Bukkake with some number after it." " Bu..What; can you spell it please?" -"yes its B-U-K-K-A-K-E." "Here it is sir-it's Bukkake 56." " Well thank you very much." "-One minute sir-can you tell me what bukkake means?". "Well..well ..It's It's a a Chinese holiday with dragons-yes dragons blowing smoke." "I know what Bukkake is!; you are very sick person-what kind of vile human being would use that for a password?!!"............A Porky!!