YAP: RUN-INS

By Ed Hamell, a/k/a Hamell on Trial

When I'm on the road I like to nap in my car. People think it's weird. (At least G-Love did, but...um...who cares?) But it's nice in there. You're getting rested up for the gig. You turn off the cell phone, nobody bothers you, out like a light.

Occasionally somebody will rap on the window. “Are you okay?” I like to scream back at them, “I'm trying to kill myself! Could you leave me alone?!”

I'm good at scouting a place off the beaten track that is inconspicuous. I'll even pay to park in a parking garage, (well, not in Manhattan, Jesus, you might as well get a hotel room at those prices), but I learned the hard way that are some parking lot security guys that take their job very, very seriously. At least in Toronto.

I was napping, out like a light, and it was hot so I had the air conditioner running and sure enough, three, you saw it right, three cop cars came with their lights on wanting to know just what the hell I was doing.

I don't know how many of my readership has been on the show Cops, but I suspect a large percentage and you know how when you just wake up and there's a cop in your trailer and you don't remember what you did to get him (or her, as in my case there were two male cops and a female) there, and you're kinda mumbling sleepy-eyed, reaching for your gun?

Well, one cop was pissed! So I got pissed back. Bad move.

We worked it out. I promised never to do it again. Of course when they left I fell back to sleep.

Overzealous employees always get my goat. It's just a job, for chrissake. And in light of the current economy, you're probably not gonna have it for very much longer anyway, so relax wouldja?

There's only two states that you can't pump your own gas. Jersey and Oregon. I didn't know about Oregon. So I got out of the car and started pumping my gas and the attendant charged out of his little room and yanked the hose out of my hand.

I don't like people yanking shit from me.

Ask politely. I would.

So I had to ask him, “Why can't you pump your own gas? Why is there a law?!” And he told me straight-faced, “People blow up.”

Now, I travel a great deal people. All over the world. And I'm usually driving. I've been to a lot of gas stations. I've slept in a lot of gas stations. Rarely, like so rarely, never, have I seen anybody blow up. Never ever. Never even on the horizon do I see a torch-like glow and think, “Yep, there goes another pumper. Bet his fried ass wishes he had been in Oregon or Jersey.”

Now I know many are thinking, “Hamell sure is confrontational, he's got no one to blame if people are afraid to come to his show.” Well, let me tell you about a positive run-in I had.

It was an Arab taxi driver taking me from my hotel in London to Heathrow airport. True story. I really, really like taxi drivers. 99% of the time they're amazingly cool. I've had some of my best conversations with taxi drivers.

It's a cinch. Wanna try it?

Just go like this, “How long you been driving today?” Typically they'll say, “Since 4 a.m.” And it's like noon, then. So you ask, “How much longer you gonna drive today?” And they'll say, “Until midnight.”

That's 20 hours, people. Then you ask, “How many days a week do you do that?” And they'll say, “Seven.”

And you ask if they have a family, and they invariably do, and then you ask, “Doesn't your wife mind?” And they'll respond, “She drives a cab, too!”

That's a tough gig, I think. More often than not they're working their butts off, when they used to work as a doctor in Africa, or India, or Saudi Arabia.

You get the idea.

Anyway, I can't remember what we talked about, this Arab cab driver and me. I mean, I'm sure it was world politics, but I really don't remember specifically what was said.

I was riding in the front. I do remember that.

When I got out, not only did he hug me but he gave me the ride for free. C'mon, cool or what?

So you see, I'm not such a bad guy. Remember, an indictment is not a conviction.

Ed Hamell picked up the guitar at age 7 and started writing songs not long after. In his early 20s, Mr. Hamell was the front man and writer for an original band, but local bands were a dime a dozen in the tough, working class neighborhoods in Syracuse, NY. So he launched a one-man act called Hamell on Trial. Six albums (plus a live one) and countless shows later, Hamell himself is one of a kind. Catch him on tour this summer in the U.S., Canada and Europe.