"The Zombie Option"
FAX THIS TO YOUR ELECTED REPRESENTATIVES AND DEMAND THAT THEY INTRODUCE IT
IN THE 112TH CONGRESS!!!

A CONCURRENT RESOLUTION

A Concurrent Resolution to establish a National Day of Ceremonial Voodoo
intended to expunge the treacherous misdeeds of centuries of narcissists,
dilettantes and special interests; to awaken a hunger for fresh souls within
the pits of Hell: and to engorge the shaft of Democracy with the coursing
blood of Liberty.

WHEREAS: The United States Congress freely and openly recognizes that
zombies are real.

WHEREAS: A Zombie, properly and necessarily conjured by the People of The
United States, in their wisdom, would be cool to see.

WHEREAS: A Zombie, properly conjured and endowed by it's creator with an
insatiable hunger for the flesh of Oligarchs, Plutocrats, Charlatans,
Philistines, Lying Power-Whores, Spineless Dilettantes, Gutless Narcissists
and otherwise Empty-Suited & Ideologically Bankrupt Pussies of all stripes,
would necessarily be seen by the people as an undead champion of public
service and defender of the Constitution from beyond the grave.

WHEREAS: The United States Congress has never officially recognized the
substantial contributions of the undead to the American story.

WHEREAS: No concrete data exists regarding the flesh-eating capacity of a
single Zombie, thus the United States Congress must act to encourage the
conjuring of several Zombies.

WHEREAS: Thomas Jefferson, James Madison and John Adams would totally shit
their breeches if they saw what a sniveling pillow fight the republic has
become.

WHEREAS: Passing this off as some kind of ‘National Day of Prayer" was the
only way to get it past Inhoffe, Ensign and the rest of the God Squad.

WHEREAS: Zombie Founding Fathers exacting a bloody revenge is really strong
symbol upon which to base our respective re-elects: Now therefore, be it
resolved by the House Of Representatives ( the Senate concurring),

SECTION 1. A NATIONAL DAY OF VOODOO CEREMONY AND PRAYER FOR THE PURPOSE OF CONJURING ZOMBIE VERSIONS OF THOMAS JEFFERSON, JAMES MADISON AND JOHN ADAMS TO DEVOUR THE FLESH OF CERTAIN OF THE ELECTED REPRESENTATIVES THEREBY ENSURING DOMESTIC TRANQUILITY, PROMOTING THE GENERAL WELFARE AND SECURING THE BLESSINGS OF LIBERTY TO OUR SELVES AND OUR POSTERITY.

            a. Procurement and Conjuring of the Zombies-The President of The
United States will in consultation with The Congress and subject to the
approval of the House Committee on Para-Patriotic Activities, create the
office of Zombie Czar and appoint it's chairman. Pending approval of the
Congress, The Zombie Czar shall then lead the American People in a day long
ritual whose effect will be the creation of the Zombie Founding Fathers.
            b. Mandate of the Undead-The Zombie Czar shall empower his
undead minions to walk the earth and pray upon the weakest and most foul of
our officials for not more than thirty days from the time of the founding
fathers emergence from their respective crypts. Furthermore, any additional
Zombie Purges or additional Zombies conjured into service must be approved
by the House Committee on Para-Patriotic Activities.
            c. Recognition of the contributions of Undead Americans-The
Architect of the Capitol shall design, procure and place in a prominent
location in Emancipation Hall in the Capitol Visitors Center a marker, which
acknowledges the significant contributions of Undead Americans to the
American story.

Brandon Phillips is a tenured fellow at the think tank Floating Brain
Global Solutions, visiting scholar at FreedomWorks, winner of the Idi Amin
Dada Perfect Attendance Award at the Ugnadan Culinary Institute and senior
strategist for TeaParty.org's "Knee-Jerk-Assoles Project"

Out ‘n' about in the City of Angels with Blurt's roving shutterbug (1/15 - 1/30).

By Scott Dudelson

(pictured above) Alec Ounsworth (of Clap Your Hands & Say Yeah) - Live @ The Wiltern - 1/23

Cold War Kids (singer Nathan Willett) - Live @ The Wiltern - 1/23

Ted Nugent - Live @ The Canyon Club (www.canyonclub.net) - 1/24

That One Guy - Live @ The Mint (www.themintla.com) - 1/26

Jason Boesel  - Live @ The Bootleg Theatre (www.bootlegtheater.com) - 1/27

Jason Boesel (of Rilo Kiley / Mystic Valley Band) & Nik Frietas (of Mystic Valley Band) - Live @ The Bootleg Theatre (www.bootlegtheater.com) - 1/27

Z. Berg (of The Like) & David Rawlings - Live @ The Bootleg Theatre (www.bootlegtheater.com) - 1/27

Alex Greenwald (of Phantom Planet) - Live @ The Bootleg Theatre (www.bootlegtheater.com) - 1/27

Jimmy Vivino (of The Tonight Show Band) - Live @ "An Evening of Higher Consciousness" to Benefit Drukpa Foundation (www.drukpausa.org) - 1/28

Ben Lee - Live @ "An Evening of Higher Consciousness" to Benefit Drukpa Foundation (www.drukpausa.org) - 1/28

Poe - Live @ "An Evening of Higher Consciousness" to Benefit Drukpa Foundation (www.drukpausa.org) - 1/28

Tim Reynolds (of TR3 / Dave Matthews Band) - Live @ The Mint (www.themintla.com) - 1/29

Los Lobos (singer Cesar Rojas) - UCLA Live @ Royce Hall (www.uclalive.org) - 1/30

Los Lobos (multi-instrumentalist Steve Berlin) - UCLA Live @ Royce Hall (www.uclalive.org) - 1/30

***

Scott Dudelson is a music journalist and concert photographer based in Los Angeles.  Scott is also the Chief Operating Officer of Prodege, LLC, the company behind www.swagbucks.com.

Its grey today but I know the sun will break through and burn away any hopes of rain and the smell of a new world rain always seems to bring. 

Fucking leaf blowers. I watch from the 13th story of my building as one tiny little man with a motor on his back blows around a bunch of dead leaves. Does he get paid to do this? If I were a leaf blower man, I would be a bad leaf blower man. I would walk into banks, high on gas fumes and seven eleven coffee and blow the shit outta that place. No one wants to fuck with the hostel, dirty air of a gas powered leaf blower, or the dead soul operating it. Has the world always been this silly?

From the 13th story of my building I watch the hand of god compose me a song of jaded ambulance sirens hauling off the dead or near dying, hundred thousand dollar cars honking at hundred dollar cars. Neon churches of fried meat and disciples of bad style litter the landscape below as cops on bicycles roll up on unsuspecting lovers smoking crack in the shadows.

From my brick and concrete nest in the sky everything below me looks so silly. While I am up here safe in my room I know one day I'm gonna have to go down there and be apart of "all that mess." I am "all that mess" after all, but alone, alone I am divine. For now my hands are stained with paint and love and my electronic leash is buzzing away at something or someone desperately trying to reach me. If freedom is an illusion then I will make slavery an illusion and die with a smile.

The colors of this new painting glare back at me like the window from my 13^th story building. The two compete for my attention like jealous children. One is the madness I cannot control; the other is the product of my control. Both have taken on an urgency in its colors never seen by these eyes of mine.

I am going to be a father.

Those words repeat over and over again in the shell of my mind. I am going to be a father.... All I rebelled against, feared, loved, despised and sought to be, is coming around. Everything I stood for and lost is coming right back home to papa.

I feel the sun through my little window and I wish for rain. I pretend I am a child again and I wish for rain. I know and understand love now. My painting and my window both tell me to prepare. A rain is gonna fall, and its gonna make me new. 

The below correspondence was forwarded to us via an "unnamed source" so we can't vouch 100% for its accuracy, but in light of the recent - and verified - news of Corgan and Simpson recording together with longtime Corgan associate Kerry Brown producing, it certainly has the ring of authenticity.

Hey Jess-

Taking a break from the tracks we've been working to just drop you a quick note. This is seriously some of the best material I've written since my solo album The Future Embrace. And our version of "These Boots Are Made for Walking" is going to make you a huge favorite among the Pitchfork crowd (that's a popular website all about "hip" music). I think even Nancy Sinatra would approve.

Honestly, I haven't had this kind of chemistry with somebody in the studio since Courtney Love and I first did crystal meth for 2 weeks straight and I wrote most of Live Through This  for her. 

I remember the first time I saw you perform I KNEW that I'd someday sleep, er, work with you. I'll never forget-it was when you played the state fair to a special invite-only crowd made up of students from the Chicago School for the Hearing Impaired. As they stood in a muddy cow field, they hung on every overly-enunciated word you sang. It was magical. You were wearing those denim jeans that some in the press dubbed "mom jeans." If that's the case baby, you're one HOT MILF. Even when I saw you perform on the "Nick and Jessica Family Christmas Special" I started thinking of ways we could collaborate. (COLLABORATE col·lab·o·rate: kÉ�-la-bÉ�-rÄ�t) - to work, one with another; cooperate, as on a literary work: They collaborated on a novel.) I'm already thinking that we can turn it into a longform conceptual video too, like Thriller - hell, a feature film, let's think big!

Oh, by the way, Romo called me last week and offered his congratulations on us getting together. He told me to just ignore those bullshit superstitious rumors about you being bad luck. He said that was just Cowboys team jealousy and that his fans were clueless anyway. I told him that I agreed and that honestly, how could my career get any worse?

And let's just decide right here and now-FUCK THE PRESS. They'll say all kinds of things about us and we have to learn to ignore it. Most of these critics are just frustrated musicians who are obviously jealous of the kind of talent we possess. They've called me everything from an "indie-rock megalomaniac" to a "stoop-shouldered Uncle Fester." Hell, they even panned my book of poetry. It's something that superstars like us have to learn to accept about our lives-plain and simple.

Honestly, together we could become the next Buckingham/Nicks (I'll explain who that is later-take my word for it, it's a good thing).  So far I think the autotune is working out great-believe me, the indie rock kids (my adoring fans) have NEVER heard anything like this before. Ok, gotta back to the studio-can't wait to see you when you get back in town from your "Large & Lovely" promo tour!

xoxoxoxoxoxo

your Billy

An analog recording session with the band Flaming Fire at my place.
You can see the big tape machine in the back under the window

Musician walks into the control room of the recording studio - where the band listens back to their 1st performance of the day - and exclaims; OMG ! listen to that TAPE ! And he takes on a look of profound satisfaction and relief. And he owes this aural salvation to ..tape -- as opposed to digital.

 What's wrong with this moment ? (I wouldn't mention it had it not been tellingly repeated with other musicians and artists). Basically, tape got all the credit. My countless technical and creative choices were not the easy and comfortable explanation for the excellent sounds -- ahem.

Some things come with the territory.
 
Many musicians claim better results at analog/tape studios. Is it the gear, or the people and ears running the gear ? Older, more experienced engineers, or engineers with certain sensibilities at those studios might be the reason, as opposed to the tape itself.

I solicited a quote from another Brooklyn producer, Bryce Goggin (Pavement, Antony and the Johnsons, Phish, Sebadoh, Akron Family): "the true beauty of the medium is that analog recordings demand the participation of more professional operators. The limitations of analog recording enforce a level of discipline which digital does not. Sure the peak limiting is far smoother on analog....etc"

Well, more difficulty editing and fixing performances is one of those limitations of analog. And better musicians as well as engineers are more likely to be willing to work with those limitations (because they'll have less to fix), in order to get the hoped-for enhancement of tape. Better engineers and musicians = better sounding records no matter what

Aren't the sounds going to be only as good as the medium used to record them? And isn't some basic quality of that medium going to define the sound?

[sure, somewhat] - but comparing top end pro digital audio to analog is a lot closer than comparing say, film and video. Pro Digital is improving. The quality gap is closing

Brooklyn producer Joel Hamilton (Tom Waits, Nina Simone, Elvis Costello, Frank Black) of Studio G in Williamsburg chimed in with this (and he does use tape regularly): "None of the tape machines, which are simply tools for hanging on to something that me and the band fought very hard to collect, EVER made the record great for me. Conversely, none of the computer/digital based recording systems (including RADAR, ADAT, DAT or DASH ) EVER wrecked any of the records I made on them"

Credit and blame don't lie with the tools. Producers/engineers do what it takes to satisfy their ears.

Producers/engineers work hard to achieve a sound, alternately working with or against the recording medium. They try to achieve what's in their mind's ear. They don't capitulate to the sound inherent in the equipment or "capture format" (tape or digital conversion)

Joel Hamilton continues: "In both cases [digital and tape], I have to hear the result of the playback and make adjustments to everything affected by the capture format, to get the results we are looking/listening for. Mic position will always be 10 million times more important than the capture format"

Not all records made in the golden era of tape sounded great.

Please, please. When I started engineering in 1981, I was largely motivated by how much I hated the sounds of so many records.. not by LOVE. There was to my ear, more bad sounding records than good. I do wonder if the rose colored glasses of history are fully in place on this topic with most people. The great recordings of decades past are more likely to be remembered, and great music tends to flatter the recording (and vice versa)

Blaming the entire state of sound today on the "umbrella" technology of digital.

That would be like 20 years ago assuming that a pro analog recording would sound the same as recording onto a consumer analog cassette. In fact on the consumer level, digital and specifically MP3's are clearly worse than a good 'ole turntable was with decent vinyl. It's not surprising that people's vinyl sounds better than downloads on itunes. That shouldn't prejudice people to digital in the studio

Something's always retro.

Yep, there's a natural fear in people that "something is being lost" with changing technologies, lifestyles etc. It's human nature that someone's gonna be paranoid. So it makes sense that at the onset of digital in the 80's, some people asked "is the soul of music being lost, because it's being turned into digital 1's and 0's ?"

  "There is nothing to fear but fear itself" or ...see the advantages, and work on the rest


find Martin Bisi music and show dates on his Myspace

The Grease Band - Grease Band

By Carl Hanni

The Grease Band: you've probably heard them, whether you know it or not. At least, if you listened to any British rock & roll in the 1970s. 

The Grease Band's self-titled debut was released in 1971, on Leon Russell's Shelter Records imprint, home to Freddie King and JJ Cale among others. A second one came out in 1975; I've never heard it, or even seen a copy. They were five Brits, vocalist and guitar ace Henry McCullough, guitar player Neil Hubbard, bass player Alan Spenner, drummer Bruce Rowlands and keyboard player/arranger/producer Chris Stainton, for some 70s reason listed as "Phil Harmonious Plunk" on the credits. Stainton also shares production credits on the record, along with the band and Nigel Thomas. 

By the time of this release The Grease Band had been working as Joe Cocker's back up band, appearing piecemeal on his debut With A Little Help From My Friends, wholly on his classic second release Joe Cocker!" and backing him up at his famous Woodstock appearance. Stainton was also a key member of Cocker's legendary mega band/traveling circus Mad Dogs & Englishmen tour and album in 1970. Furthermore, the band, minus Stainton, were the principal players on the original release of Jesus Christ Superstar, a musical footnote that seems mysteriously lost in the mists of time (no mention in All Music, etc.). 

Like many records of the time, The Grease Band is an uneven release, with at least one more or less forgettable number, a few mid-range ones and a few killer tracks. Why should you care, or why should I spend any time trying to make you care? Because on at least four or five of these tracks The Grease Band shows How It's Supposed To Be Done, and because The Grease Band had Henry McCullough and Chris Stainton, a pair of true adepts.   

And because The Grease Band fully embody That Sound: that early ‘70s, warm, fabulously rich (here it comes...) ANALOG sound that folks are still trying to get back to. That sound is evident on the first track, a funky vamp on Arthur "Big Boy" Crudup's "My Baby Left Me" that sidles in and stands around for a few moments before suddenly picking up speed and wrapping itself around McCullough's ragged voice. But what you want out of this track is McCullough's knotty solo, a few short moments of biting, swooping blues-rock guitar candy with a brutal tone to turn others to stone. This little bit of guitar grease puts McCullough right in there with the other British blues-rock guitarists of the time, at least the likes of Rory Gallagher, Kim Simmons, Peter Green and Alvin Lee, if not quite Jeff Beck or Jimmy Page. 

McCullough's acoustic-based numbers like "Mistake No Doubt," "Let it be Gone" and "All I Wanna Do" are solid and well worth repeat listens, especially the ghostly chorus on "Mistake No Doubt." And the lovely gospel-folk "To The Lord" should have/could have run in the end credits to an episode of "Deadwood." But what The Grease Band really excel at is an original take on methodical, mid-tempo rocking, and  "Willie and the Pig"  "Laugh at the Judge" and "Jessie James" nail it to the barn door. "Willie and the Pig" is all snaky, buzzing guitars, multi-tracked keyboards and McCullough's nasally voice married to a sexy, flat beat.  "Jessie James" is a blues rocker w/a country undercurrent that sounds something like a kissing cousin to Fleetwood Mac's "Hi Ho Silver" that came out the year before on Kiln House. But "Laugh at the Judge" is the real ringer, a truly funky rocker that takes the famous Chuck Berry guitar riff, spins it on its ear and puts a funky groove and Stainton's rhythm organ underneath. By the end Stainton's top shelf/lead organ steals the show, hitting notes on the outro as high as any I've ever heard. The album ends w/the beautiful acoustic lament "The Visitor," with Stainton's organ (or maybe harmonium) again taking the lead.

Throughout the record Spenner and Rowlands' rhythm section is flexible, providing intuitive accompaniment to whatever comes their way. There's a cohesiveness evident from the time spent touring and recording together that really shows in how generally relaxed and together the band sounds. There's real joy in how they play together, also evident in the cover photos; these guys are obviously loose and having a good time.

McCullough went on to play in Wings w/Paul McCartney and record with Spooky Tooth, Roy Harper, Marianne Faithful and others. Spenner and Hubbard later played on records by Roxy Music; Stainton is a widely travelled player, playing on numerous releases by Eric Clapton + more by Cocker, Pete Townsend and many more. 

The Grease Band. Yes, they were. 

***

You can leave comments below or e-mail them to me directly at modmedia@theriver.com .

Carl Hanni is a music writer, music publicist, disc jockey, book hound and vinyl archivist living in Tucson, AZ. He hosts a monthly concert and film series at The Screening Room in downtown Tucson, and spins records wherever and whenever he can. He believes that in a better (all analog) world all records would be released on vinyl, but takes good music from wherever he finds it--even on CD. He currently write for Blurt, Tucson Weekly, Goldmine, Examiner.com and (occasionally) Signal To Noise.

Out ‘n' about in the City of Angels with Blurt's roving shutterbug (12/15 - 1/15).

By Scott Dudelson

(pictured above) Mew (singer Jonas Bjerre) - Live @ The Henry Fonda Music Box (www.henryfondatheater.com) - 12/14/09

50 Cent - Live @ Universal Amphitheatre - 12/17/09

T-Pain - Live @ Universal Amphitheatre - 12/17/09

Billy Cobham - Live @ The Guitar Center Drum Off (gc.guitarcenter.com/drum-off-2009/ ) - 1/8

Max Weinberg (of The E-Street Band)  - Live @ The Guitar Center Drum Off (gc.guitarcenter.com/drum-off-2009/ ) - 1/8

Danny Carey (of Tool) & Brann Dailor (of Mastodon) - Live @ The Guitar Center Drum Off (gc.guitarcenter.com/drum-off-2009/ ) - 1/8

Chad Smith (of Red Hot Chili Peppers) - Live @ The Guitar Center Drum Off (gc.guitarcenter.com/drum-off-2009/ ) - 1/8

Chino Moreno (of The Deftones) - Live @ The Guitar Center Drum Off (gc.guitarcenter.com/drum-off-2009/ ) - 1/8

Sonic Youth (Thurston Moore) - Live @ The Wiltern - 1/9

Sonic Youth (Thurston Moore & Kim Gordon) - Live @ The Wiltern - 1/9

Al Kooper - Live @ McCabes (www.mccabes.com) - 1/10

Anna Rose - Live @ Ron Asheton Tribute Show - The Roxy (www.theroxyonsunset.com) - 1/12

Scott Asheton (of The Stooges) - Live @ Ron Asheton Tribute Show - The Roxy (www.theroxyonsunset.com) - 1/12

Living Things (singer Lillian Berlin)  - Live @ Ron Asheton Tribute Show - The Roxy (www.theroxyonsunset.com) - 1/12

Mike Watt (of The Minutemen / Stooges), Stephen Perkins (of Janes Addiction) & Scott Thurston (of The Stooges / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers) - Live @ Ron Asheton Tribute Show - The Roxy (www.theroxyonsunset.com) - 1/12

***

Scott Dudelson is a music journalist and concert photographer based in Los Angeles.  Scott is also the Chief Operating Officer of Prodege, LLC, the company behind www.swagbucks.com.

Excerpt from the  Book, " The Porky from New Yorky ‘s Guide to Weight Loss and Positive Mental Health"


The Porkys comfort meal:

1.    A Box of Generic Brand Flakes
2.    A carton of skim milk
3.    A nice size bowl
4.    a spoon and a comfortable chair


on the Porkys stereo:

1.    "We Used to Know" Jethro Tull
2.    "It Must have Happened" Mary Chapin Carpenter
3.    "Next" Scott Walker
4.    "The Young Ones" Viv Stanshall


I have always considered myself to be relatively hip and up on most new things in life starting with music. In fact I am reasonably sure that I have always been at the beginning of all musical curves starting from 1964-1982. By the time 1981/2 came around I realized that the next curve was a kind of punk hardcore musical style-which I could not at all relate to. It is at times like these that a Porky has to cut his losses and fold. So I surrendered my place at the cutting edge table and took a sideways turn embroiling myself into further archeological digs hoping to find something else to guide me-to give me sustenance to take me to that Promised Land. Naturally the arrogance and elitism that a Porky feels on such a journey must be recognized and kept at bay-which if successful allows him to discover the musical nectar of the Gods. I found myself gravitating to Instrumentals-Greek bouzouki music/Iranian Raks-song chanteneuses (sp?) like Nana Mouskouri/Fay Lovsky & Francois Hardy. I fell in love with their music and as such with them-imagining our lives together-had they wanted me. My lighter and more positive side took me on a flight of fancy sampling the sounds of Viv Stanshall/Scott Walker/Bunk Dogger and perhaps my all time Favorite the Shadows featuring Guitar God Hank Marvin. I can tell you whenever I need inspiration-the powerful emotional guitar in "Wonderful land" awakens the spirit. Try it-it's a top drawer Porky Recommendation.  But I digress-this is not what I meant to talk about in this chapter.

As we are 10 years into a new century-we are at the crossroads of a wild west of technology. I have to admit that while I have tried to keep up-I am like the college kid who keeps dropping classes after the first test. I tried with the best intentions only to be confused, befuddled, out maneuvered and left in the dust. Cassettes were easy-enjoyable and fun. Stereo became a question of educating oneself about the newest and best sounding equipment. Laser discs-should have been the first clue that technology and greed had made their dirty deal and there was no stopping from this moment on. Video cassette recorders fueled the greed as this technology became very successful and profitable. The fly in the ointment (in more ways than one) here was that Video Recorders brought pornography to the confined private space of your  bedroom-a godsend to the millions (billions) of chronic masturbators the world over. The greatest achievement of the 20th century---take a guess---WAS...WAS.... FAST FORWARD!!!-and you think you know what David Bowie's CH CH CH CHANGES WAS ABOUT! Anyone could do it-and this friendly technology gave Porkys and all people of minimal confidence the inspiration to master the basic VCR programming technology. Yes you too could be successful. This brilliant technology set the groundwork for what many probably consider the Model T of 20th century technology: and that is of course, the home computer.

I have to say I was at the forefront of this revolution when in 1982 I spent $5000 on a Radio Shack TRS-80 Model 3 and a 3 ton printer. I remember the night I bought it-It was the day in January 1982 when air Florida flight 90 crashed into the 14th street Bridge over the Potomac River-I should have known --not a good omen for this Porky and his personal relationship with technology. I learned some basic word processing/database applications which simplified a few necessary tasks in my business. As time went on I upgraded to newer and more powerful machines hoping I could progress with them- but alas, I never seemed to get past the basic concept of simple word processing. Like millions of others (or was it just me?)  I felt mastering the computer was like selling fire water to the Indians-the result was not what I expected. But just as the collective millions were ready to give up (or was it just me?)in comes the internet.

Now what does that mean-does that satisfy man's search for meaning? Not really. But it does dangle that perennial carrot of Pornography in front of us-(as well as a new term paper service) and with that a whole new world. Things are starting to go very fast now-monetary greed is the engine driving our economy and it is faster than a speeding bullet. Communication/new high tech product and the means of delivery seem to be the guardians at the gate. By the time the year 2009 rolls around there is a whole new means of non-verbal communication. Cell phones are abundant-camera phones/video games-gaming/phone apps/ipods/hand held's/gps's/Google/zappos shoe-frank zappos shoes?/DVD's/Blue Ray/digital camera/skyping/bit torrent/streaming/downloading/blue tooth/blackberry/amazon-ebay/cloud computing-help-stop the madness-help me susan powter-- I am still trying to figure out how to work the DVR-caller ID as a concept still  blows me away-help I'm a rock-a retarded rock ...ARGGGGG.

Calm down, take a deep breath -center yourself Porky. I am reminded of a movie that came out in the 60's,"Stop the World I Want to Get Off." And so I have. It hasn't stopped me though from using Priceline on occasion. To say I have a difficult relationship with technology is an understatement. I can say at least I have tried most of the new technologies. I signed up for a "Facebook" account because it seemed like an interesting idea and way to communicate. I immediately though, had some problems with the friending concept. Literally the first day I joined I got a request from an old school chum-or so he says-and greeted me with hey Steve it's Bill...do you remember that day in 6th grade we had the circle jerk at Jims house...great to hear from you let's stay in touch-but don't touch to much-ha ha LOL!!. The second day I got an angry friend request from Susan W..... I can forgive you now but when you refused to go the  7th grade Sadie Hawkins dance with me you broke my heart and destroyed my confidence-you piece of shit-I wanted to say that for 40 years-it's so good to get it off my chest, by the way  how are you??? On the third day I got a friend request from Doug J-hey Steve-remember me-how could you forget!! When your team came to play us in Karachi-I struck you out each time you went to bat and that last at bat when you had the chance to tie the score- well, you were pathetic-I'll never forget the look on your face-but hey that was 40 years ago- can we be friends-I promise I won't remind you about it that often!!. Goodbye Facebook - -I ended up closing my account the next day-Social networking -bullshit-Facebook is a secret code for getting mind fucked.  Who needs 500 friends it's hard to enough to keep 5 happy.


And what's with this new form of communication texting and IM'ing. Only last week I was taking my mother to lunch at Panera's.  In the booth next to us-I could see two college kids sitting across from each other-- faces partially hidden by the protective shield of 2 laptops facing each other down. Now I don't see myself as a busybody but I couldn't help but notice that they were talking to each other via IM. What the fuck??? They were fourteen inches face to face away from each other and they were typing on their keyboards. Was verbal communication  on the "out list" this year? Unless my 56 year old mind is failing me what happened to the awe and passion  of 18 year old hormones out of control- perception hopes aspirations of looking into the eyes of your potential mate - On the other hand this new form of communication would partially hide a multitude of sins-- drooling/acne/ loose boogers/food in the teeth-flying saliva-bad choice of words etcc. Wait, WORDS-the magic of communication. I was so befuddled--I later discussed this scenario with my spiritual advisor Dr. Joseph Sasfy-the most brilliant man I have ever known-and a man who has advised Ahmet Ertegun/Clive Davis/Walter Yetnikoff/Phil Spector/Lt. Garcia/Ronald Reagan/Professor Irwin Corey/Jenna Jamison/the legendary stardust cowboy & Butch Willis. Dr Sasfy I asked, "why are they not talking to each other, after a long stare, the great doctor spoke."Have you forgotten the words of the prophet," People talking without speaking, people hearing without listening," & he was gone.
The final straw for me was Passwords. The last time I had use for a password was in 1966 while playing Kick the can at Tony Oresteen's house-"who goes there"?  "Mr. Vagina", I yelled back, "Welcome Mr.Vagina --you may pass". There it was that was the answer I was looking for. If I had to memorize passwords for my bank/my work/ebay/amazon/my healthcare plan/my car insurance/my house insurance/my home equity line/my internet provider etc..How could I possibly remember all those words-I considered a wristband-similar to those worn by people with obscure diseases-a piece of paper in my wallet-supposed I was pick pocketed. No it was obvious I had to memorize my passwords. I went back to my joy of language. It was in third grade with my friends John Studebaker/Tommy Creed/Raymond Gangarosa that we all took such pleasure in saying the words Vagina/fucking/pussy and even sometimes Penis. Nothing made us happier than to yell these words a top of our lungs. Later that year Raymond Gangarosa signed my 4th grade yearbook-good luck at fucking and pushups."  And so it became that all my passwords were Pussy75/vagina pussy and certain other variations-I don't want to give away all my passwords but you get the picture. However as much as I loved my passwords it didn't stop me from forgetting them. One particularly painful situation comes to mind. I was trying to get into my Sandy Spring account to transfer some money for my son's college tuition. I forgot the password and after trying to retrieve it on line- I finally had to call the help desk of the bank. After going thru the: Push one if you want  to.... Push two if you want..Till I finally got a live person. Hello what can I help you with today?"  Well I forgot my password. "Okay can you give me your account number?", " Well no I am not at home I am at work and"..."Okay can you give me the name on the account?" "Yes it should be under Steven.. Or maybe my business name". ".I am sorry sir, I cannot find it under those names-tell me do you remember any part of your password?" "Well I do, but is it really necessary-it's got to be under my last name or..." "Sorry sir I checked them all if you give me what you do remember of your password I can cross-reference it against your account." " Well ok it's Bukkake with some number after it." " Bu..What; can you spell it please?" -"yes its B-U-K-K-A-K-E." "Here it is sir-it's Bukkake 56." " Well thank you very much." "-One minute sir-can you tell me what bukkake means?". "Well..well ..It's It's a a Chinese holiday with dragons-yes dragons blowing smoke." "I know what Bukkake is!; you are very sick person-what kind of vile human being would use that for a password?!!"............A Porky!!
 
 


 

A Decade of Punk Rock - the Good AND the Bad

By John B. Moore

With apologizes to my fellow Blurt writers, I loathe End of the Year/End of the Decade music lists.

They just seem like a useless game of one-upmanship that gives critics the excuse to trot out their pretentious musical tastes and try to outdo each other with obscure sub-indie references to bands that only dubbed a dozen cassettes of their warbling and handed out to their friends and "Oh, oh I have a copy and realize how brilliant they are". I put it right up there with militant vegans, former smokers and people who claim that they "don't even own a TV".  

... But deep down, I'm a pretentious twit myself (though I love red meat and watch as much TV as possible,) so two weeks into the New Year, here's my list of bands that nearly killed punk rock this decade.... And those that saved it.

Five albums that almost killed punk rock...

• Boys Like Girls - Boys like Girls (2007) Over the past decade, major record labels, not content to just screw up every other genre, decided that they could give a band instant credibility by tacking the suffix "punk" at the end of "pop" on any band's bio. One of the most obvious examples is the Boston top 40 pop band Girls Like Boys. The name isn't the only thing unoriginal about this glorified boy band, last seen lip-synching in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade last month. This four piece was the Trojan horse that helped smuggle in equally pitiful acts like Cute is What We Aim For and Breathe Caroline - not one who ever owned a Clash or Ramones album.
• Good Charlotte - The Chronicles of Life & Death (2004) I pity the real punk rockers with neck tattoos. Thanks to these light weight twins from Maryland who equate ink with street cred, the guys in Rancid and Dropkick Murphys now have to spend the next year getting their tattoos lasered off lest anyone equate them with Good Charlotte. These guys could almost be excused for their Hot Topic brand of bubble gum punk if they had stopped at The Young and Hopeless, but then they had to try and become artists on their third album. The result was a dozen faux serious, whiny odes to being a teenager. Next stop double dates with Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie. Long live punk rawk!
• Powerspace - The Kicks of Passion (2007) Powerspace came to represent just how low the once promising indie punk label Fueled By Ramen had fallen in the 00's. Once the breeding ground for bands like The Pietasters and Jimmy Eat World, the label devolved into mindless drek like this keyboard-fused excuse for pop-punk. Equally mind boggling is the fact that FBR had to compete with other labels to sign this band.
• A Static Lullaby - A Static Lullaby (2006) OK, maybe it's not fair to single out this band in particular, but the Chico Hills-based A Static Lullaby represent a crappy metal/hardcore/scream-o hybrid that had no business associating itself with punk rock. Cookie Monster vocals and mediocre metal riffs equals nothing more than noise from over-privileged suburban kids desperate for attention.
• Cobra Starship - While the City Sleeps, We Rule the Streets (2006) Labeled as pop-punk, this band wrote a song for the movie Snake on a Plane, which goes to show just how bottom of the barrel scrapping desperate this group was even at the beginning of their existence. Started by former Midtown bassist/singer Gabe Saporta, the group has a freakin' keytar player for Christ sake, going to show that tweens have an extreme level of tolerance for obvious irony... as well as crappy pop-punk.

And 5 albums that saved it.

• Bad Religion -The Empire Strikes First (2004) George W. Bush may have been the worst president in history, but he was great for punk rock. Exhibit A is The Empire Strikes First, a baker's dozen of brilliant angry political punk anthems. Songs like "Los Angeles is Burning" and "Let Them Eat War" stand up against anything the band put out in the 80's and 90's.
• Green Day - American Idiot (2004) And Exhibit B is American Idiot, Green Day's best album in an already decent career. A raised middle finger to Bush and the status quo, this radio-friendly record also showed that there was still a little life left in the rock opera.
• Flogging Molly - Float (2008) With Flogging Molly, The Pogues have finally found someone worthy enough to pick up their Celtic punk rock banner. The LA, by way of Dublin rockers have regularly turned out stellar albums, but Float raised the bar to its highest level with destined to be classic Celtic punk gems like "Requiem for a Dying Song" and "Between a Man and a Woman."
• Gaslight Anthem - The '59 Sound (2008) Punk rockers have always had a crush on Springsteen, but with New Jersey-based Gaslight Anthem's second full length, the band finally came out and fess up to their devotion. The '59 Sound, also drawing inspiration from influences as varied as Roy Orbison and Tom Petty, is as close as one can come to a flawless record.
• Bouncing Souls - The Gold Record (2006) Fifteen years into an already impressive career, Jersey punks The Bouncing Souls turned in their most evolved album to date with this fantastic record. Sweeping anthems, topped off with surprisingly personal lyrics, The Gold Record is the ultimate sonic promise that was hinted at with the band's five previous releases. Pardon the pun, but pure gold.

Blondie got knocked up, and now it's a dog's life - all the more reason to adopt a puppy!

By Coco Hames

I have a neighbor who has a dog we call Blondie.  After The Good, The Bad and the Ugly, not Deborah Harry.  Or maybe both.  But Blondie was not spayed and went and got herself knocked up, and she had three puppies.  Blondie looks like a small yellow lab/Husky mix (she has light eyes and eyebrows, so cute) and is the sweetest thing.  So these puppies, we weaned them, and got them their shots and everything, and now they are at a pet adoption facility called Love At First Sight, in Nashville, TN.  They will be available for adoption shortly and, having housed them myself for a bit, I can tell you they are the sweetest little chubs.  I've got chubs for you (see above).

There a boy, who is the handsomest of the three, whom I called Mel Gibson VERY briefly, and then decided not to name any of them, however temporarily, because I already have plenty of dogs to sneak into hotel rooms on tour.  He is brown (a really cool brown, with a super cool pattern of black and white on his chest) and makes smiley faces and can kind of use his hands.  One of the girls is all black with brown/white eyebrows, and she is a major charmer.  So pretty!  And the other is the runt, a sneaky little devil girl with the same color markings as her brother, but with a wily cute face.  All of these puppies are smart and adorable, they all have these really cool light eyes (they're blue with green and grey) and are responding so well already to handling and training, a lucky trait you don't always see, so w00t.  Check 'em out sleepin' in a pile:

If you or anyone you know lives in the Nashville area and are interested in some super cute 6-week-old puppy babies, contact super helpful Cory at Love At First Sight (615) 297-2464, or visit their website at http://www.lafspetadoption.com/  

In other news, I had an inappropriate dream last night featuring Mike Rowe.  From Dirty Jobs.  Ladies, you all THINK you love him, because he's witty and charming and does manly things.  But in my dreams, people reveal (what I imagine to be) their true selves, and you know what he really is?  Emotionally spoiled, callous, and a SELFISH lover.  Is that what you really want?  Well, you know what you want, I'm not here to judge, I just hate falling prey to those charms.  Which are so very Cancer in nature, haven't you noticed?  TOO charming, that's what Cancers are.  And then there you are, at this cheap hotel, with Mike Rowe, feeling KIND of special, until the morning, when you're standing around and there are these models, and they look at you like, "Who's she?" and then Mike goes, "Oh, uh, this is my friend, Coco."  And they eye you up and down with disdain, like, THAT'S what he went for after us?  Look ladies, it's not all coltish legs and winsome abs for all men, sometimes they like creepy trolls who kidnap puppies and read books on keeping chickens.  And the dream I had about Paul McCartney a few years ago?  Messed me up for a LONG time.  So much so, I can't really write about it.  If you see me out (Chapel Hill, Atlanta, Nashville) this week/weekend with Jemina Pearl, come ask me, maybe I'll tell you about it.  Mayyybe.

DOGS 4 EVA!  And Mike Rowe, I can't believe I'm actually saying this, but... you can still call me.  

Coco

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Blurt "co-co-editor" Coco Hames fronts The Ettes - Hames on guitar, Jem Cohen on bass and Poni Silver on drums. Their Greg Cartwright-produced album Do You Want Power arrived in stores last fall, their music was featured in the Drew Barrymore-directed film Whip It, and you bet we've got a big feature on the band in the latest issue of BLURT. Check out the band's MySpace page for music and tour dates.